Wings Take Time To Heal

I was not depressed
I was heartbroken
And those two things
Are not the same
When depression visits
She is dripping in a weighted night sky
While I take shallow breaths
Glancing around
Looking for stars.
When heartbreak visits
She is a volcano ripped open
A flood of hot red is everywhere
Followed by dull streaks of silver
That ask, “Why…why…why?”

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Invisible Crown

You don’t need to wait for your Prince or your Princess Charming. You don’t need to wait for your knight in shining armor to rescue you. There is nothing wrong with wanting a sparkling, dreamy love story. You absolutely deserve to be adored and swept off of your feet. But that thing that you need to shine, that power that you need to breathe life into your dreams…that power has been glistening inside of you all along, dancing on the edges of your heart’s desires and waiting to be set free.

I Don’t Understand

There are a lot of things I don’t understand. I don’t understand power. Why some people want it, why some people have none. The way it divides dreamers, amplifying voices while silencing those who suffer.

I don’t understand love. Why we’re puffed up with dreams of sparkling romance, sheltered from the messy reality–moments of brokenness with a series of crashes and burns on the road to getting one right. No one ever tells you a bad ending can color a whole good beginning until it turns black.

I don’t understand life. The way that we spend so much of our lives caring what other people think of us. The way we spend so much time chasing dreams that were never ours to begin with. The way we internalize images from society of what our kingdoms should look like, only to feel ashamed if our crown is a little tilted.

I don’t understand happiness. It seems like such a frivolous, out of reach concept but we long for gurus to tell us over and over that it is possible if we can just stop chasing it. If we can be present and breathe. But I did my breathing and I danced and felt free, only to be a broken, sobbing mess less than twenty-four hours later. One moment I am flying and the next I am crushed under the weight of other people’s expectations. This human experience can feel like weights, like an abandoned ship, like something that is far too much to handle…

…and I don’t understand it.

Some Endings Are For The Best

There is only so much that I can do

If we don’t flow

Two puzzle pieces can be different

But we cannot force the wrong ones to fit

I hurt you on accident

You hurt me on purpose

Threatening to withhold love

As if it were a reward

For your idea of good behavior

I am not here to be trained.

You said I was lucky

That you were filled with apathy

But let me tell you

I am looking for someone

Who will feel passionately

Who will communicate with empathy

Who will care more about authenticity

Than the need to be right

For the sake of it.

Love should not feel

Like a negotiation

It is a gift

To be given freely

Ideas are not worth more than heartbeats

And you will never make me stay with an ultimatum.

Rewind to Goodbye

Replayed moments in my mind

Strange bed, turn out the lights

But you let go

Before I could open my eyes

And I’m sure you knew from the start

That it was over

.

And here I am

At the drift-away, at the goodbye

Wondering, “Was it my fault?

Was is my fault?”

.

Somehow we fell apart

Right at that pivotal moment

Something that didn’t have to be

All or nothing

Became so black and white

.

I said I was done

But I didn’t mean it

I said that I cared

I don’t think you believed it

So tell me now

My heart reaches out

Is there something I could have done different?

.

I am tired of all the

Would-have-beens

That keep playing in my mind

They interrupt my sleep at night

Of all the places our journey could go

I didn’t think it would lead us here

In the dark and all alone

But maybe I’m the only one who feels alone

.

And here I am

At the drift-away, at the goodbye

Saying, “It was all your fault,

But no it wasn’t your fault.”

.

It is a sickness how much I blame myself

I have to fight the need to hate myself

I need to throw all this blame at you

But then I need to clean it off

.

I am angry and hurt

Because I am missing you

But mostly I just want to hear

That you thought I mattered, too

I play this tired game of rewind

Because letting you go is the furthest thing from my mind.

 

You Make Me Wonder If You Love Me Not

If a person loves you

Or has any interest in loving you

They will make an effort

To see you

To care about your needs

Trusting you’ll help them heal

In return

.

At least

That is what love looks like

To me

.

I cannot make any grand statements

And I cannot say the way things should work

For everyone

.

But I have learned a few too many times

That some people are only there

When they need something from you

.

And some people are nowhere to be found

When you need them the most

.

And somehow I keep letting

A certain kind of love

Into my life

.

I am not saying

That their way is wrong

I am not saying

That these people do not know affection

.

But I have come to realize

That these kinds of love

Are not the kind

That I need.