Rewind to Goodbye

Replayed moments in my mind

Strange bed, turn out the lights

But you let go

Before I could open my eyes

And I’m sure you knew from the start

That it was over

.

And here I am

At the drift-away, at the goodbye

Wondering, “Was it my fault?

Was is my fault?”

.

Somehow we fell apart

Right at that pivotal moment

Something that didn’t have to be

All or nothing

Became so black and white

.

I said I was done

But I didn’t mean it

I said that I cared

I don’t think you believed it

So tell me now

My heart reaches out

Is there something I could have done different?

.

I am tired of all the

Would-have-beens

That keep playing in my mind

They interrupt my sleep at night

Of all the places our journey could go

I didn’t think it would lead us here

In the dark and all alone

But maybe I’m the only one who feels alone

.

And here I am

At the drift-away, at the goodbye

Saying, “It was all your fault,

But no it wasn’t your fault.”

.

It is a sickness how much I blame myself

I have to fight the need to hate myself

I need to throw all this blame at you

But then I need to clean it off

.

I am angry and hurt

Because I am missing you

But mostly I just want to hear

That you thought I mattered, too

I play this tired game of rewind

Because letting you go is the furthest thing from my mind.

 

Three Days

There’s something about three days

You said it yourself

And today things started to feel

Like they were over

A chapter ended

I untangled myself from you

And that sense of freedom

Started to feel

Like a tragedy

I know something has changed

A weight lifted

A level of caring

Inside my mind shifted

And now you’re on the peripheral

You think I’ve gone quiet now

You won’t let me back in now

You locked me out

And I just keep thinking

Preparing

To say I’m not a toy

You can toss aside

And then return to

At your nearest convenience

I write myself a script

To keep from getting hurt again

But the truth is

I don’t think you’ll ever come back

And to that I say, Come Back

And to that I say, Stay Out

There could be a million reasons

You chose to drift away

I reserved an ocean

Of empathy for you

But you hid in a sand storm

And maybe we were never

In the right elements

To begin with

And I know you wouldn’t

Be surprised

That I am still talking

I never ran out

Of things to say

And yes I know

You found a reason to be happy

Yes I know you found something

To look forward to

I needed to know that much

I could grow a tree

Of thoughts and feelings and ponderings

Branching out into

A hundred different emotions

Leaves that blossom, change color

And fall to the ground

Never bothering to care about

Consistency

Never bothering to understand

Themselves

It wouldn’t surprise you

That I still have things to say

And yet it seems it would

Surprise you

That I still would have been there

Or maybe you knew

Deep down, you might have known

But maybe, maybe, maybe

You didn’t care.

Seasons

I don’t know why some people

Come into your life

Some for a season

Others for a lifetime

Helping you to grow and to change

Challenging you, hurting you, but hopefully loving you

And if they don’t love you, it’s time to say goodbye

To that season.

Sometimes what’s good for you isn’t black and white

Letting go isn’t always as light as a cloud

Sometimes it’s sticky like molasses

Sweet, making you reluctant, even as you’re messy

Even as you know you need to become clean

So strange to be in a world where we are shaped like clay

By each person who comes along, touching our hearts

Yet at the same time we are like steel

Unmoving, unchanging in our most real senses of self

I let go of my former self

I’ve broken free from so many phases

That are no longer me

Those chapters have been closed

Left behind with the seasons

But it doesn’t mean I don’t reread them

I reread you

And you challenge me, hurt me

Not intentionally, but not figuratively

Love me?

I don’t know if you love me

In any sense of the word, in the most basic sense

In the lightest

And so I’m not sure

I’m not sure if I’m meant to let go.